Six Feet Under

Tama nga si M nung sinabi niya half-year back to just go with the flow at mag-iwan para sa sarili. I wouldn't be where I am right now had I heeded his advice.

Bago ko ituloy ang aking kwento, ako nga pala ang Lukayo. I've authored a number of blogs in the past and killed them just because either I felt like it or hoped that killing it would help me kill certain feelings too. I've also taken a number of personas in the hopes that Lukayo would just flip over and die.

But I guess I was wrong. Deleting blogs, numbers, messages, etc. are just all symbolic. Unfortunately, hindi hard drive ang mga utak natin just to erase how we feel about certain things or for certain people. Ika nga, isang format lang katapat niyan. And this is where my problem lies.

You see, I met a certain person during the midst of a crazy time in my life who gave a sense of stability and hope that things would be ok. Sa gulo ng mundo ko, someone who provided a sense of order and direction... an anchor or signpost of sorts.

We hit it off. And there were a lot of memorable times despite it being short in terms of calendar days. I don't know if he'd share the same sentiment but I guess another reason why i'm hard up was the quality of time spent with him.

Fate and choices made have a funny way of catching up with us. The past knocks on our door and rains on our parade. The story continues to unfold because of this. Certain realizations on his part (maybe incompatibilities untold) supported such judgment to just head the other way (some reasons with due credit though).

And what had happened since (aside from the other drama that I had to wrestle with in the family) has been a blur of trying to salvage whatever could be, trying to separate hopes of getting back together with that wish of being friends. Sometimes a feat of oil and water.

Looking back...

Fool I am to have hitched myself with a person who was still engrossed in his past despite assurance that he was over. Fool I am to have ignored the signs that he was still engrossed with his past.

Fool I am to have loved, given much, and had not left for himself; going against the advise of one who had walked the same path.

Fool I am to have held on to the idea that things would still work out if one worked hard for it. I had forgotten somewhere along the road that it is the choice of two people to make things work out.

Fool I am to have led on a number of people in the hopes that they would help me forget. Snappin' at the most convenient but prized catches, only to let them go or disappear from them because I cannot move forward or I know that i'll just ditch them a few months into the future.

Fool I am to have gone with the flow when he already has a certain type in mind that he'd want to be serious with again. Unfortunate, but he had wasted the time, the efforts, and the emotions invested by those that he led on.

Fool I am to keep on going in circles and wallowing on lost hopes, when everyone else has already moved on and found their own walls.

I am thankful for everything that has happened over the past six months as I emerge a stronger but wounded person that I am right now. Old friends, new friends, old places, new places. You guys know who you are and you know where we were.

I apologize to all of those I have trampled, rambled on with my drama, and used in the hopes of forgetting. I don't expect you to forgive me for my wrongdoings but I just wish that you guys go ahead on your own journeys.

A part of my ego is talking but for some weird reason... I cannot just seem to forget the LOVE that I still have for you (you know who you are). And oh yeah, thanks for the two things you can give me, I just want my heart back if you can't give yours.

Ang Lukayo - the Fool* is still under repair and sometimes needs help.

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* The Fool's Journey