In Absentia

I must apologize to those who follow this blog for the lack of follow-through for the turning straight post. The continuation of my coming-to-terms story has been kept in draft for some time due to very welcome development in Lukayo's Life which I won't put much detail into but summarize as follows:

• New job in a company where I will build a career in and has taken a lot of my time in a week (36% of my week);
  
• A partner who I love (against I fell in love with, 'cause falling in love may be a prelude to falling out of love) and am thankful for being really patient and understanding despite my schedule;
• Financial strain which has placed me into perspective on what I really need against what I want;
• Slowing down my rockstar lifestyle, planning for years to come, and settling down.

I promise to release my dues once I've gotten other things (excel sheets for work) out of the way. Thanks to everyone who follow my blog - Godspeed!

Commercial Muna - Take Your Positions

Readers! This is a resurrected post from my old blog... adding a twist to the end...

BEGIN

RT: Top. Bottom. Versa. Tuod Tops. Passive Bottoms. Versa Daw. Power Tops. Power Bottoms. Versa for Real. Which one are you? 8:51 AM Jun 19th from web

For some wicked reason, this list came to my mind a few weeks back. A mental note of the six permutations of top, bottom, versa, mixed with good and bad - saved online as a tweet.

• Tuod Top ang tawag sa mga tipong maghuhubad sa gilid ng kama, pagkatapos ay hihilata na lang sa kanilang likuran. Pangkaraniwan, inilalagay pa nila ang kanilang dalawang kamay sa likod ng ulo bilang senyales sa katalik na bahala ka nang magtrabaho.
• Passive Bottom naman tang tawag sa mga tipong maghuhubad sa gilid ng kama, pagkatapos ay hihilata na lang sa kanilang likuran at bubukaka. Tulad ng mga tuod top, huwag kang mag-expect ng romansa mula sa mga ito sa kadahilanang nagpapaanak lamang ang mga ito sa kanilang pagaakalang may mga matres sila.
• Versa Daw ang tawag sa mga hindi alam kung ano ba talaga sila sa kama. Paminsan minsan nasa ibabaw, minsan sa ilalim. Ang kaibahan lang sa totoong versa ay hindi nila kayang gampanan ang bawat posisyon. Marunong mangromansa ang mga versa daw at sa paglipas ng panahon ay maaaring maging tunay na versa.
• Power Top naman ang tawag sa mga kantuterong marunong gumamit sa kanilang mga sandata. Pangkaraniwang nagsisimula sa long and gentle strokes papunta sa kantot marinong short and sharp strokes. Hindi lahat ng power top ay rumoromansa, sumususo, brumobrotsa, at sumisisid (rimming). Bonus na lang iyon if ever!
  
• Power Bottoms naman ang tawag sa mga kinakantot na marunong mag-muscle control at saluhin ang kahit na gaano kalaking titi. Mayroon pa sa kanilang kayang sumalo higit sa isa. Kaya ng isang power bottom na mawalan ng ulirat ang kanyang partner sa kama. Marami sa mga power bottom ang sumususo at kung anu-ano pa.
• Versa for real ang tawag sa mga marunong mambutas at nabubutasan sa kama. Tingin ko, malupit na sex mate ang isang versa for real lalu na't kung open-minded at may pagkawild ang mga ito. Ang tanging dala ng mga versa ay kanilang flexibility at openness sa pagpapaligaya ng kapwa.

The above doesn't intend to be prescriptive of the six permutations that came to mind. Some commenters might complain about boxing up certain types... but this is just for fun mind you. So... out of the six? Which one are you? ;-)

END

Need your thoughts on roles in bed and how this affects the dynamics of a relationship. Do TOP2TOP relationships work? Do BOT2BOT relationships work? From your own experience, how important is sexual role compatibility in making or breaking a relationship?

Hope to hear from you guys soon...

a1 Prologue: Turning Straight

Is it just me or are there more gays or people-like-us nowadays? In the malls, one can observe more and more guy/guy or girl/girl couples - sharing a meal, shopping together, or a date at the movies. Buff boys in the gym hook up with equally buff boys, leaving out the women and matrona clientele. Online, you now see more choices of hook-ups - from twinks to bodybuilders, ages May to December, with different fetishes.

Methinks that this phenomenon results from the younger generation being more open with their sexuality (which osmosed to the older generation). Rewind to freshman year when gays/PLUs in my campus was limited to the stereotype flam-effeminate. They were the standard-bearers of what a gay man was. Fast-forward to senior and super-senior year - you'd have straight-looking guys holding hands, lipstick lesbians publicly displaying affection, and same-sex couples exchanging sweet nothings in the library.

I was caught in the cusp when the tides were changing. Being part of the 'older generation', I find myself in the closet but with a full-view of things that are happening outside. And I guess this would be a great vantage point which influenced my decision to turn straight into the PLU world...

Next post: On Coming In and Out

This Way or That Way?

In my previous post, I mentioned that I've been doing a lot of thinking discernment. A slew of career opportunities have come along and given my age, I should choose wisely. Whilst I'm grateful for all of them, it doesn't help that the choices all present very promising paths.

The question may be summed as follows, do I know live the dream or take up the challenge? Must I begin to Build or once again trail-blaze?

Since college, I've dreamed of being part of this organization. My first application didn't even get me the call from HR. The second time I applied, the director mentioned my lack of experience. Third time's a charm and a paper is on its way this week.

But another organization is putting me up for a challenge. The local market has proven to be saturated for this local giant. Part of its strategy is to conquer the globe and build a global presence. And they need warm bodies to take up this challenge and create the global brand.

On my end, it's a question of building or trail-blazing. The former would enable me to build expertise on a certain area which is the battleground or forefront for most companies in that industry. Further, if ever I decide to migrate it would be easier to get a job given their global reach. The latter would enable me to stretch myself once again in a field that I have little expoosure in. Further, if I decide to stick with them I would be a pioneer and one who can possibly leave a legacy.

So do I follow the dream or take up the challenge? Build or trail-blaze?

Your Number Two

Disclaimer: I've been receiving offline messages through Y!M asking if I'm ok and why the emo posts. I'd like to clarify that this isn't really an emo post but rather a "eh kung ganun talaga post". LOLs

I dislike how cranial I can become when faced with a problem or situation. Ever since, I've been a problem solver who'd look from different angles to try to come up with a solution. I've held this belief that there is more than one way to arrive at the solution. However, this presupposes that there is a solution or that the problem needs to be solved.

Recently, i've been thinking too much. Blame it on opportunities that are coming along (which am thankful for) but moments of thought have also been invested in my so-called lovelife (or lack thereof). I've noticed a pattern on past potential partners - that most are either taken, already have prospects, or strings from the past. This made me think that I may be actually the one with the problem - that I attract those kind of men.

Instead of fixing the problem, I've succumbed to the idea that I might as well just be the kabit and that prudence would prescribe that I abide by these rules... and be your number 2.

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Inspired by my own personal experience and this honest-to-the-bones post.

In a Weird Space

...urong sulong na lang ba?

Breaking Down Love

Bakit ba mahilig gawing kumplikado ng mga tao ang LOVE na yan?

Simple lang naman. Gusto mo, mahal mo, eh di go! Magkabayag ka na sabihin sa kanya yun... huwag ka gagamit ng pagpapahiwatig at pahapyaw-hapyaw dahil hindi naman likas na manghuhula ang mga tao.

Kung ayaw sa iyo eh di huwag pilitin ang sarili. Magkabayag ka na piliting tanggapin ang pangyayari at mag-laan ng oras para maghilom at magmove-on. Bakit? Siya lang ba tanging lalaki na magpapatibok sa puso mo at magpapakislot sa puson mo? Buksan ang mata at marami pang iba diyan.

Kung may gusto din sa iyo at mahal ka din, eh di go! As long as kaya mong saluhin at pangatawanan yung relasyon ninyong dalawa. Umiwas na sa paghanap ng iba o paghagilap sa nakaraang tapos na. So what kung higit ang pagmamahal nung isa sa isa? Bottomline naman eh mahal ninyo ang isa't isa at hindi ang iba iba. Sapat na dapat yun para ituloy ninyo ang inyong pangroromansa.

Kung sa isang banda ay magising ka isang umaga at alam mong wala na talaga, huwag nang sayangin ang panahon nung isa. Magkabayag kang sabihing wala na talaga at huwag nang umasa pa. Masakit man sa isa, gawin ito para sa ikabubuti niya. Pakawalan habang maaga pa.

Kung sa isang banda ay nagigising ka sa alaala ng nakaraan at parating bumabagabag ito sa iyo, eh gawan mo ng paraan yan para makapagmove-on ka na talaga. Pilit itatak sa utak na never ka naman na talaga makakakilala ng taong katulad niya dahil isa lang talaga siya (unless na may kambal siya - joke onli!). Pilit lunukin lahat ng pait na meron ka sa kanya para ma-i-ebak mo na lang yan isang araw. Pilit panghawakan ang mga panahong masasaya pero huwag gawin itong batayan para sa mga posibleng masasayang araw na kapiling na ng bagong darating. Buksan ang mata, wala ka na sa piling niya at maging fair ka sa taong kinakasama mo ngayon.

Kung sa isang banda ay nagising ka sa isang umagang ma-realize na mahal mo pa din talaga ang nakaraan miski naloko mo na ang sariling mong nakapagmove-on ka na, eh dalawang bagay lang naman ang pwede mong gawin talaga. Una, magpakatotoo ka't sabihin sa kanya ang tunay na nararamdaman. Kung may tingin pa siya sa iyo eh di good, eh kung wala talaga eh magmove-on ka na talaga! Pangalawa, manahimik ka na lang diyan at magmove-on ka na talaga - kawawa ka naman kung buong mundo tuloy-tuloy sa pag-ikot samantalang ikaw ay naiwang nakatali sa nakaraang lumipas na. Mas lalong nakakalungkot kung yung nakaraan mo'y tuloy-tuloy na sa kanyang pag-ariba.

Kung mangangarir ka lang naman, sabihin na sa simula pa lang na kantutan lang naman ang hanap mo. Tulad ng sabi ko sa nakaraang post ko, sa ganito mas madaling kumaripas patungo sa fire exit kung hindi mo na talaga kaya ang init. Kung isang araw eh ma-realize mo na mahal mo na pala siya pero hindi ka sineseryoso eh magkabayag ka nang sabihin sa kanya na nag-iba ang pagtingin mo. Kung mahal ka din niya eh di go, kung mukha ka lang tite sa kanya eh di tuloy na lang ang kantutan.

Sa pag-ibig na iyan, malaki ang posibilidad na may masaktan talaga. Pero eh kung ganun naman talaga... basta, maghanda ka na lang lagi sa tinatawag nilang Karma kung may masasaktan kang iba.

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Bato-bato sa langit, ang tamaan huwag magagalit. Sabi nga ng Sprite, magpakatotoo ka!

D Beat Goes On, Il Postigo, and Raffyboi

My old blog brought me painful memories just right after the break up. Sinong bang hindi masasaktan kapag makita mo ang mga posts na naging saksi sa pagmamahalan (?) ng dalawang  tao diba?

The break up prompted me to delete ako-ang-lukayo and subsequently ako-ay-lukayo with the hopes that the 'symbolic' erasure would actually translate into real life and me forgetting him. It did work for a while, but the itch to chronicle the new leaf being turned at that moment got me to open D Beat Goes On.

D Beat Goes On became witness to the birth of Raffyboi and his adventures in Il Postigo. Lukayo had decided upon himself that if the relationship turns sour and that if the other gives up on the relationship, he shall expand his circles once more, and true to his form - try anything once.

Back then it was another emo day for the Lukayo. Weary from exerting his own effort in trying to mend the relationship and non-receptance from the other, he breaks. He finds himself drunk and with his utol. On their way home from groundzero, the Lukayo blurts out that he wants to do Malate. Tingin ko, mas kinakabahan pa yung utol ko nung oras na yun. Isip-isip siguro niya, ano napasok sa utak ng taong to?

That first night in Malate would be a foreshadowing of things to come. Inebriated nights where Raffyboi would find himself dancing on the ledge of either Bed or CheLu, not giving a damn and giving performance of his life. He had found Malate to be a temporary escape - a place to dance, just be, and forget.

Il Postigo was born when Raffyboi danced without his shirt on near the pole in Bed. First time pa lang niya sa Bed, all the way na siya. Lasing siya makapal ang mukha niya. He had danced without his shirt on in CheLu for a number of times and even made friends with a regular there who also danced without his shirt on.

Lukayo then started looking for affirmation. Lukayo had been crushed by the break-up and Malate provided a cushion through those souls he had touchbased with, even if it was for a dance, for a sleazy make-out session on the ledge, or just plain dirty dancing on the dance floor.

Lukayo realized what Raffyboi had... Raffyboi is no ramp model but nice to look at. Raffyboi knows how to flirt. Raffyboi has that x-factor which can make heads turn. Raffyboi knows how to move his body. All of these combined, Lukayo becomes Raffyboi - isang nakakapaso na nilalang.

Raffyboi had used the above in a wrong manner though during the earlier days. He had hooked up with a number of people in the hopes that they would help him forget. He had met a doctor, an IT guy, an engineer, a business bigshot, and a balikbayan.

Of the five, three were taken. Of the five, he had thought he could have loved the engineer. Of the five, the business guru had made him realize that he was ready to love again. Raffyboi was now just another toolbox persona that Lukayo could use during the appropriate time.

Raffyboi still dances in Malate from time to time. So many goodlooking gay guys out there - from the most softie of the soft to the manly-manly ones. He had made out with a number of them and made a Fool out of himself for a couple of times.

But the glow of the laser lights are starting to fade. Lukayo is now starting to turn a new leaf... with Malate a part of who he is, but not the only thing that makes his world go round.

Better Off As Two

Always looking in the wrong direction to fill the emptiness that he feels...

Ever since we met we’ve never been too clear
All our insecurities turn up in all our fears
And how we’ve tried to make our problems disappear
Never searching hard enough to find only more tears

... one shouldn't find someone else to feel complete. One just needs to complete himself to be able to fully share his light. And that's why we're Better Off As Two.

The Oracle

• Looking in the wrong direction
• Four matters of the heart
• Autumn and Winter Cleaning
• The Import
• The marriage of sales and marketing
• Property Acquisition
• The Passing of the Matriarch
• Evolution of the Gift - 2012
  
• Circles of Protection
• Three Partners with Anima and only Psychic
• The Invitation of the Cult

Just a list to remind me of certain things...

And today is...

3... 2... 1... hold...

I had just finished the last set of five body-weight dips targetting mi lower chest. I was quite pleased at the amount of control that am able to execute which indicates progress in my triceps and lower chest . In just a few minutes, the spinning class would start... to burn out all the excess calories packed up during the past few days.

back off, ride easy, open your chest and breathe...

The last track had reached the final bars and a downbeat song starts to play. I usually don't finish up the whole class and leave after my heart rate has simmered down a bit. Normally, i'd target my core while the body keeps burning calories but since am not at my home club I decided to stick it out until the heart rate goes down.

towel... shampoo... soap...

Things i bring to the shower stall, just to get my man funk out. Dyahe naman kung may ma-meet ako and am all sweaty. It feels good to have your pores opened up with a hot shower and then closed up with the final cold rinse.

nine... one.. seven... six...

I had caught you in the corner of my eye while I was doing my dips. You had also been in the vicinity while I added some more to my resistance while spinning. And yes, prying eyes while I dashed to the shower stall.

sixty nine...

You had shocked me with your revelation but I was happy at how upfront you were. Tonight will be your night. And for the dirty minds... NO, I am not sleeping with a Bachelor. Not yet. But maybe... just maybe.

The Irony of Slumber

... just because I might not be able to sleep, I was scanning my brain for this song during portions of the night. One reason to lose sleep on out of the way...

Finding Lukayo

It's typical for one to lose himself when one falls madly in love with another person and starts to transform for either better or worse. We find ourselves doing everything and anything to try to keep the fire burning; sometimes to the extent that we are able to do things that we never imagined that we'd be able to do.

There is nothing wrong with changing bits and pieces of oneself especially when the change is for the better. But change becomes dangerous when one starts to fiddle with fundamental parts of himself for the sake of saving a romance.

And this is where one starts to lose himself. He/she begins to change, mistaking such change as sacrifices for the other all in the name of love. One who used to sleep early becomes an insomniac; one who used to be egotistic gives in to the whims of the other and swallows his pride; one who used to be an ice queen is suddenly able to think of the sappiest quips and lines; one who used to loved having sex and indulges in kinky fetishes becomes repressed; and the list goes on.

Again there is nothing intrinsically wrong with changes brought about by love. But changes become wrong when one starts to sacrifice his own fundamentals, loses sight of who he is, and becomes alienated with himself.

Once alienation sets in, problems may start to arise in the relationship.Either you become another person whom your partner becomes disconnected with, or the relationship starts to be built on a fake facade of compatibility as your partner discovers another person whom he falls in love with but is not necessarily you.

And this cycle may perpetuate so as long as one does not accept the fact that it was not meant to be in the first place and wallows in the delusional hope that love will magically bind two souls which aren't meant to be together. The danger in perpetuating such a cycle is that one might reach a certain breaking point by which the relationship can no longer be reduced to friendship. And in this particular case, one not only loses himself but also the other.

Let this serve as a warning to those who start to love to make sure that it really is it. If you plan to just play the game as an experiment to test if you guys are really compatible - then by all means have the balls to be vocal and lay down the ground rules right from the start. This way, it should be easy to run to the fire exit if one can't take the heat anymore and not worry about burning the other person too much in the process.

Let this also serve as a warning to those who believe in fighting for love - that fighting by yourself will only get you only so far. Remember that it's a relationship between two individuals and that it should be fought side by side. One will definitely lose fighting a battle built for two individuals anyway. Go ahead for the experience but just guard yourself in the fact that it can get really ugly.

Let this also serve as a notice that if one is looking to grow old with another person - then stop looking for ideals, for other people, for past loves, and for unrealistic expectations/compromises. Just be real and work together with whoever you're with for it. Soulmates are rare to come by anyway.

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Nawala ako sa sarili sa nakaraang relasyong pinasok ko sa kadahilanang minahal ko siya. Nalimutan kong mahalin ang sarili ko sa proseso. Nalimutan ko ang sarili ko.

Ngayon na unti-unti akong nakakawala mula sa galamay ng aking nakaraan, unti-unti ko din (muling) kinikilala ang sarili, binubuo mula sa mga lasog-lasog na pirasong nagkalat sa daan. May mga panahon pa din na binabalikan ang mga alaala ngunit bukas kamay nang tatahakin ang hinaharap. Sabi nga, eh kung ganun talaga.

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To the next one who will come along - do not be swooned and do not change who you are. I will love you for who you are and I hope you take me for who I am. There's no need to go with me on my journey as I know you have your own too. Just that assurance that we're both in this together no matter if one loves the other much more (in our own minds), that one will catch the other when one falls, and that one knows when to be at the sidelines cheering the other on. I do not plan to change who I am for you, but I assure you that you'll find more than enough to deal with a Fool like me.

- - - - - - -

Ako ang Lukayo. Nawala sa lansangan. Naglakbay. Nagmahal. Nabigo. Na-broken hearted. Lumaban. Umasa. Nabigo muli. Naghihilom...

... ngayo'y nawawala muli sa lansangan, patuloy na naglalakbay, unti-unting hinahanap ang sarili.

Six Feet Under

Tama nga si M nung sinabi niya half-year back to just go with the flow at mag-iwan para sa sarili. I wouldn't be where I am right now had I heeded his advice.

Bago ko ituloy ang aking kwento, ako nga pala ang Lukayo. I've authored a number of blogs in the past and killed them just because either I felt like it or hoped that killing it would help me kill certain feelings too. I've also taken a number of personas in the hopes that Lukayo would just flip over and die.

But I guess I was wrong. Deleting blogs, numbers, messages, etc. are just all symbolic. Unfortunately, hindi hard drive ang mga utak natin just to erase how we feel about certain things or for certain people. Ika nga, isang format lang katapat niyan. And this is where my problem lies.

You see, I met a certain person during the midst of a crazy time in my life who gave a sense of stability and hope that things would be ok. Sa gulo ng mundo ko, someone who provided a sense of order and direction... an anchor or signpost of sorts.

We hit it off. And there were a lot of memorable times despite it being short in terms of calendar days. I don't know if he'd share the same sentiment but I guess another reason why i'm hard up was the quality of time spent with him.

Fate and choices made have a funny way of catching up with us. The past knocks on our door and rains on our parade. The story continues to unfold because of this. Certain realizations on his part (maybe incompatibilities untold) supported such judgment to just head the other way (some reasons with due credit though).

And what had happened since (aside from the other drama that I had to wrestle with in the family) has been a blur of trying to salvage whatever could be, trying to separate hopes of getting back together with that wish of being friends. Sometimes a feat of oil and water.

Looking back...

Fool I am to have hitched myself with a person who was still engrossed in his past despite assurance that he was over. Fool I am to have ignored the signs that he was still engrossed with his past.

Fool I am to have loved, given much, and had not left for himself; going against the advise of one who had walked the same path.

Fool I am to have held on to the idea that things would still work out if one worked hard for it. I had forgotten somewhere along the road that it is the choice of two people to make things work out.

Fool I am to have led on a number of people in the hopes that they would help me forget. Snappin' at the most convenient but prized catches, only to let them go or disappear from them because I cannot move forward or I know that i'll just ditch them a few months into the future.

Fool I am to have gone with the flow when he already has a certain type in mind that he'd want to be serious with again. Unfortunate, but he had wasted the time, the efforts, and the emotions invested by those that he led on.

Fool I am to keep on going in circles and wallowing on lost hopes, when everyone else has already moved on and found their own walls.

I am thankful for everything that has happened over the past six months as I emerge a stronger but wounded person that I am right now. Old friends, new friends, old places, new places. You guys know who you are and you know where we were.

I apologize to all of those I have trampled, rambled on with my drama, and used in the hopes of forgetting. I don't expect you to forgive me for my wrongdoings but I just wish that you guys go ahead on your own journeys.

A part of my ego is talking but for some weird reason... I cannot just seem to forget the LOVE that I still have for you (you know who you are). And oh yeah, thanks for the two things you can give me, I just want my heart back if you can't give yours.

Ang Lukayo - the Fool* is still under repair and sometimes needs help.

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* The Fool's Journey