D Beat Goes On, Il Postigo, and Raffyboi

My old blog brought me painful memories just right after the break up. Sinong bang hindi masasaktan kapag makita mo ang mga posts na naging saksi sa pagmamahalan (?) ng dalawang  tao diba?

The break up prompted me to delete ako-ang-lukayo and subsequently ako-ay-lukayo with the hopes that the 'symbolic' erasure would actually translate into real life and me forgetting him. It did work for a while, but the itch to chronicle the new leaf being turned at that moment got me to open D Beat Goes On.

D Beat Goes On became witness to the birth of Raffyboi and his adventures in Il Postigo. Lukayo had decided upon himself that if the relationship turns sour and that if the other gives up on the relationship, he shall expand his circles once more, and true to his form - try anything once.

Back then it was another emo day for the Lukayo. Weary from exerting his own effort in trying to mend the relationship and non-receptance from the other, he breaks. He finds himself drunk and with his utol. On their way home from groundzero, the Lukayo blurts out that he wants to do Malate. Tingin ko, mas kinakabahan pa yung utol ko nung oras na yun. Isip-isip siguro niya, ano napasok sa utak ng taong to?

That first night in Malate would be a foreshadowing of things to come. Inebriated nights where Raffyboi would find himself dancing on the ledge of either Bed or CheLu, not giving a damn and giving performance of his life. He had found Malate to be a temporary escape - a place to dance, just be, and forget.

Il Postigo was born when Raffyboi danced without his shirt on near the pole in Bed. First time pa lang niya sa Bed, all the way na siya. Lasing siya makapal ang mukha niya. He had danced without his shirt on in CheLu for a number of times and even made friends with a regular there who also danced without his shirt on.

Lukayo then started looking for affirmation. Lukayo had been crushed by the break-up and Malate provided a cushion through those souls he had touchbased with, even if it was for a dance, for a sleazy make-out session on the ledge, or just plain dirty dancing on the dance floor.

Lukayo realized what Raffyboi had... Raffyboi is no ramp model but nice to look at. Raffyboi knows how to flirt. Raffyboi has that x-factor which can make heads turn. Raffyboi knows how to move his body. All of these combined, Lukayo becomes Raffyboi - isang nakakapaso na nilalang.

Raffyboi had used the above in a wrong manner though during the earlier days. He had hooked up with a number of people in the hopes that they would help him forget. He had met a doctor, an IT guy, an engineer, a business bigshot, and a balikbayan.

Of the five, three were taken. Of the five, he had thought he could have loved the engineer. Of the five, the business guru had made him realize that he was ready to love again. Raffyboi was now just another toolbox persona that Lukayo could use during the appropriate time.

Raffyboi still dances in Malate from time to time. So many goodlooking gay guys out there - from the most softie of the soft to the manly-manly ones. He had made out with a number of them and made a Fool out of himself for a couple of times.

But the glow of the laser lights are starting to fade. Lukayo is now starting to turn a new leaf... with Malate a part of who he is, but not the only thing that makes his world go round.

Better Off As Two

Always looking in the wrong direction to fill the emptiness that he feels...

Ever since we met we’ve never been too clear
All our insecurities turn up in all our fears
And how we’ve tried to make our problems disappear
Never searching hard enough to find only more tears

... one shouldn't find someone else to feel complete. One just needs to complete himself to be able to fully share his light. And that's why we're Better Off As Two.

The Oracle

• Looking in the wrong direction
• Four matters of the heart
• Autumn and Winter Cleaning
• The Import
• The marriage of sales and marketing
• Property Acquisition
• The Passing of the Matriarch
• Evolution of the Gift - 2012
  
• Circles of Protection
• Three Partners with Anima and only Psychic
• The Invitation of the Cult

Just a list to remind me of certain things...

And today is...

3... 2... 1... hold...

I had just finished the last set of five body-weight dips targetting mi lower chest. I was quite pleased at the amount of control that am able to execute which indicates progress in my triceps and lower chest . In just a few minutes, the spinning class would start... to burn out all the excess calories packed up during the past few days.

back off, ride easy, open your chest and breathe...

The last track had reached the final bars and a downbeat song starts to play. I usually don't finish up the whole class and leave after my heart rate has simmered down a bit. Normally, i'd target my core while the body keeps burning calories but since am not at my home club I decided to stick it out until the heart rate goes down.

towel... shampoo... soap...

Things i bring to the shower stall, just to get my man funk out. Dyahe naman kung may ma-meet ako and am all sweaty. It feels good to have your pores opened up with a hot shower and then closed up with the final cold rinse.

nine... one.. seven... six...

I had caught you in the corner of my eye while I was doing my dips. You had also been in the vicinity while I added some more to my resistance while spinning. And yes, prying eyes while I dashed to the shower stall.

sixty nine...

You had shocked me with your revelation but I was happy at how upfront you were. Tonight will be your night. And for the dirty minds... NO, I am not sleeping with a Bachelor. Not yet. But maybe... just maybe.

The Irony of Slumber

... just because I might not be able to sleep, I was scanning my brain for this song during portions of the night. One reason to lose sleep on out of the way...

Finding Lukayo

It's typical for one to lose himself when one falls madly in love with another person and starts to transform for either better or worse. We find ourselves doing everything and anything to try to keep the fire burning; sometimes to the extent that we are able to do things that we never imagined that we'd be able to do.

There is nothing wrong with changing bits and pieces of oneself especially when the change is for the better. But change becomes dangerous when one starts to fiddle with fundamental parts of himself for the sake of saving a romance.

And this is where one starts to lose himself. He/she begins to change, mistaking such change as sacrifices for the other all in the name of love. One who used to sleep early becomes an insomniac; one who used to be egotistic gives in to the whims of the other and swallows his pride; one who used to be an ice queen is suddenly able to think of the sappiest quips and lines; one who used to loved having sex and indulges in kinky fetishes becomes repressed; and the list goes on.

Again there is nothing intrinsically wrong with changes brought about by love. But changes become wrong when one starts to sacrifice his own fundamentals, loses sight of who he is, and becomes alienated with himself.

Once alienation sets in, problems may start to arise in the relationship.Either you become another person whom your partner becomes disconnected with, or the relationship starts to be built on a fake facade of compatibility as your partner discovers another person whom he falls in love with but is not necessarily you.

And this cycle may perpetuate so as long as one does not accept the fact that it was not meant to be in the first place and wallows in the delusional hope that love will magically bind two souls which aren't meant to be together. The danger in perpetuating such a cycle is that one might reach a certain breaking point by which the relationship can no longer be reduced to friendship. And in this particular case, one not only loses himself but also the other.

Let this serve as a warning to those who start to love to make sure that it really is it. If you plan to just play the game as an experiment to test if you guys are really compatible - then by all means have the balls to be vocal and lay down the ground rules right from the start. This way, it should be easy to run to the fire exit if one can't take the heat anymore and not worry about burning the other person too much in the process.

Let this also serve as a warning to those who believe in fighting for love - that fighting by yourself will only get you only so far. Remember that it's a relationship between two individuals and that it should be fought side by side. One will definitely lose fighting a battle built for two individuals anyway. Go ahead for the experience but just guard yourself in the fact that it can get really ugly.

Let this also serve as a notice that if one is looking to grow old with another person - then stop looking for ideals, for other people, for past loves, and for unrealistic expectations/compromises. Just be real and work together with whoever you're with for it. Soulmates are rare to come by anyway.

- - - - - - -

Nawala ako sa sarili sa nakaraang relasyong pinasok ko sa kadahilanang minahal ko siya. Nalimutan kong mahalin ang sarili ko sa proseso. Nalimutan ko ang sarili ko.

Ngayon na unti-unti akong nakakawala mula sa galamay ng aking nakaraan, unti-unti ko din (muling) kinikilala ang sarili, binubuo mula sa mga lasog-lasog na pirasong nagkalat sa daan. May mga panahon pa din na binabalikan ang mga alaala ngunit bukas kamay nang tatahakin ang hinaharap. Sabi nga, eh kung ganun talaga.

- - - - - - -

To the next one who will come along - do not be swooned and do not change who you are. I will love you for who you are and I hope you take me for who I am. There's no need to go with me on my journey as I know you have your own too. Just that assurance that we're both in this together no matter if one loves the other much more (in our own minds), that one will catch the other when one falls, and that one knows when to be at the sidelines cheering the other on. I do not plan to change who I am for you, but I assure you that you'll find more than enough to deal with a Fool like me.

- - - - - - -

Ako ang Lukayo. Nawala sa lansangan. Naglakbay. Nagmahal. Nabigo. Na-broken hearted. Lumaban. Umasa. Nabigo muli. Naghihilom...

... ngayo'y nawawala muli sa lansangan, patuloy na naglalakbay, unti-unting hinahanap ang sarili.