I've been fighting being gay ever since I was in elementary. I remember an episode when my dad hustled me for covering my mouth during a gasp reaction to a certain stimuli. In high school, just to fit in with the boys - I traded straight porn, engaged in horseplay, and got me a hot date for the prom. College was no different when I even fell in love with my female bestfriend who eventually became my girlfriend.
I never considered myself closeted during those times... it was only a few years back when I came to terms with who I really am, my sexual preference, and decided to turn straight into the PLU world and come into the closet.
I had grown up in a straight world, moved liked a straight guy, and revolved around straight circles. It was lonely and difficult to be in the company of people who aren't readily capable to understand who you really are. Heck, try talking about man to man sex with your straight barkada and you'll get what I mean. Compound that with the stereotype (back then) that gay men only consisted of parloristas and flam-effems (flamboyant effeminates), I was at a loss on how to relate with being gay.
I started another fight revolving around the need to relate with like minded people and the fear of being banished from the straight world. Some gay men men would label this fear as uncalled for, but it is a pressing issue to me and others who have lived a majority of their lives as a straight man.
The need to relate won over my fear, but this took a lot of headstrong arguments and dialogue with myself. One fine evening, I decided to come out of the closet by calling Dzi, a gay friend of mine who'd fall into the motherly hen category. Humahagulgol ako sa phone nun for reasons am unable to put to words, but the liberating feeling during that exact moment was exhilirating. I'm eternally grateful to Dzi pero sabi nga niya, sigurista ako for coming out to someone I knew would understand.
I had then gone on a coming out spree - my two straight guy and girl bestfriends, a friend from an outdoor club, my closest ex-colleague in my first job, a lesbian friend from college, and my bestfriend from highschool. I had thought that the high of that liberating feeling would be as exhilirating as the first time, but I was wrong. I had then realized that accepting one's self and living one's life are two entirely different things. I experienced a now what moment and found myself lost once again...
Next post: Life Outside of My Closet
a2 Continuation: On Coming In and Out
1.03.2010 | Posted by I Am Lukayo at 10:00 AM |
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14 comments:
i understand what you've gone through, heck lahat yata ng readers mo dito.
since nagawa mo na mag-out, it's up to you really to decide if you're going to be happy and contented with what you have now or continue on worrying over things that haven't actually happened yet. or continue on searching for that "something" that might make you contented and happy.
enjoy mo lang ang buhay, ganun talaga masalimuot hehe
hey, welcome back!!!
i guess i'm lucky that the few people i've outed myself too still are accepting of the lifestyle i live.
i mean i'm still living a 'straight' life, but they're okay if sometimes i introduce a guy i like to them.
but i think it's still better to hang out with people you could just be yourself with, which i haven't met alot of. =(
Coming out helps pave the way for you to live your life without having to deny or hide one part of the total you. Now whether you'll want to live a mostly "straight" lifestyle or a mostly "gay" lifestyle is, well, up to you.
Now what, indeed. =)
(Glad to be of no help at all, BWHAHAHA!)
of course, i can relate.
i know the very feeling just like that of the other people who lurks on this niche we have on the blogosphere.
it's nice to express this kind of thought through writing. then somebody will read that. then that somebody will ponder. then new ideas.
thanks for sharing.
Coming out is not a pre-requisite to finding yourself. Since sexuality is fraction of your consciousness and the totality of your being, it makes sense that after acknowledging your sexuality you find yourself in another fulcrum, seeking clarity and bearing.
Coming out is non sequitur to being accepted. Your lucky to have had that opportunity, and be blessed with understanding company.
Find your peace, and you'll realize that the path you seek will be self-apparent in due time.
"I had then realized that accepting one's self and living one's life are two entirely different things."
this line got me thinking, prolly parallel itona ang theory ay iba sa actual application...
during mga NOW WHAT moments, wag ka muna gumamit ng brain.
for some people they find freedom by coming out. but it should never stop from there...
welcome back, lukayo!!!!
This is so articulate.
"I had grown up in a straight world, moved liked a straight guy, and revolved around straight circles. It was lonely and difficult to be in the company of people who aren't readily capable to understand who you really are."
This sentences fitted like a glove. It was hard for me as well.
I can relate. I feel lost right now. Sigh.
stop thinking of coming out as a destination, as a goal (which is so like you). hence, you ask yourself now what.
the journey is the goal. it shouldnt be now what but now a sense of freedom, a sense of peace.
I wish I have your courage to come out..I am still in the dark and I am not sure how long will I hide my true identity...Its already killing me, big time!
bounced by.
http://chichirya.wordpress.com
you took the words right out of my mouth. :-)
i can relate to this post. buti kapa may lakas ng loob para sabihin ang bagay na iyan. ako siguro, hindi pa handa. ewan ko marami akong iniisip na consequence sa pagsasabi ko kung ano ako talaga. mahirap. tsk tsk. salamat sa pag share ng nasasaloob mo.
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